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# 00224 :  Life without....

First of all...Hi! I'm new.

Anyway...I already posted or rather told my problem to many different sites. None of them helped me. I know a Christian will only understand me.

Firs of all...I'm 18. A College student. I was born and raised as a christian. Both my father and grandfather were pastors. Sadly, my father died when I was about a year old. Anyway, I never really had a problem growing up. I enjoyed being with God. I know He's the only one who had been like a father to me. But everything went completley different as I stepped my teenage years.

I feel so miserable. Pathetic. I think I don't deserve to live. I began isolating myself with my family and friends. Back then I was active in our Youth ministry. But now, I hardly go to church. I guess the main reason is that I feel more and more alone when in church. I began to telling myself that I hate the church. I began to question God. Asking him why the heck am I so friggin miserable. Different kinds of suicidal thoughts flooded my mind. I yell inside of me that I wanted to die. But then I don't want to kill myself co'z I know I'll go to hell. I also began to think that life is so cruel for me and the afterlife won't be any different. It will be worse. My family don't know about this. I do not want to tell them. None of me so-called friends will understand me either. I even wished that everyone in my family just die. Co'z I'm alone now and why not make it worse. I couldn't care less anymore.

I also given up trying to go back to God. Co'z it won't last long. A week. That 's my limit. I just don't know why all of this things are happening to me. I don't see any way for my life to get better. I guess I'm a loser after all.

There...not like a christian (former) will think huh? But all of those things are true. I'm in deep depression now. Yet, as stated earlier, people don't know about it co'z I'm good at hiding my emotions. But when I'm alone I just let all the emotions out. Crying, sobbing, shouting, cursing everyone. I already given up on this life.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

Post by : cryingfreak  View Profile    since : 7 Jul 2009


Reply by : George P. Koshy   View Profile   Since : 8 Jul 2009 12:01:03 PM Close

Dear 'cryingfreak,'

If you are trying to go back to God, you may fail.  You must accept God, who is so near to you.  Please read John 3.  Read it very carefully asking for God's help.  You must be born from above or born again.  After reading John 3, please read John 1.  Then read John 3 again and try to answer where you are, according to John 3:35-36.

You did not sign off your posting.  It may be difficult for you to do.  However, try to sign off, using your real name.  That will help.  I do not sign off using my name, because I use my name as the user ID.  In your case, you are not using your name as your user ID.  Using your name, either in the beginning or at the end, indicates the transparency of your approach to others.

Please read the Bible, especially the chapters mentioned above.  You must be born again!

Shalom Malekim!!!

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Reply by : cryingfreak   View Profile   Since : 8 Jul 2009 1:15:34 PM Close

Well thanks for the reply. Anyway, it looks like your a born again christian. Well I know it's not about the religion it's about God.

I know God...back then. But then it as if I suddenly doens't know Him anymore. I'm beginning to ask myself what He is. How can God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit be One. I'm so confused. Back then I thought I know Him...

I just want to tell something that happened that made me feel even worse. My two close friends in college left. Those two people are the people that will actually hang out with me. Now I feel more alone than ever...

I'll try to read it. But I know I will not understand it until I resolved this confusion about God in my mind. Please explain it to me. I'm so confused!

 

Sorry for my weird talking. Thanks for replying anyway.

 

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Reply by : George P. Koshy   View Profile   Since : 8 Jul 2009 3:51:25 PM Close

Dear 'cryingfreak,'

You are not saved by the blood of the Lamb of God that takes away the sin of any man on this world.  You could be saved by the grace of God, if you are willing to accept the gift of God (Romans 6:23, Ephesians 2:8-9).

You seems to be insisting, using your will, that you have to understand God before you accept His gift of salvation.  God does not work that way.  You have to surrender your will and accept the gift of salvation offered to you by His grace through Jesus Christ our Lord.

I am not interested to discuss about myself.  I am interested to show you the way of salvation that your spirit is earnestly striving for, but your flesh is resisting.  It gives you the idea of knowing God as the first priority.  It should not be.  Accepting His salvation should be the first and foremost priority.

You mentioned about your difficulty with the Doctrine of Trinity.  You could understand the doctrines only by the help of the Holy Spirit.  The doctrines that are in the Bible are revealed by God to His children and not for the unbelievers or those that are not saved.  The doctrines may not be according to the logic of man, but it is according to the will of God.  You should not try to learn the doctrines, before you are a child of God.  As an unsaved person, you only have the human spirit.  You need to have the Holy Spirit to guide you into the doctrines.  The human spirit could know only things of this world.  The Spirit of God knows the things of God.  Only a saved person have the Spirit of God and only that person could know the things of God, with the help of the Spirit of God.  The things of God are the doctrines in the Bible.

You must ask God to help you to be saved, by faith, which is a gift of God.

I could pray for you, but I cannot make you saved.  Please do not resist God by demanding the understanding of His ways, doctrines, before you ere on His way walking in the light.

Still you did not sign off, using your real name.  Let the partition that you created be removed.

Shalom Malekim!!!

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Reply by : mom23   View Profile   Since : 8 Jul 2009 3:58:14 PM Close

 My dear,

Oh! I am so sorry to hear your heart is in pain.....but that doesn't make you a "freak"...just someone who is seeking answers.

From your post , it seems you are at a juncture in your life...it seems like an endless nightmare but it isn't. You are 18 ...a teenager at the brink of adulthood...you have a lot of things happening in you. You are also figuring out your own identity among family, your place in the world so to speak...it isn't an easy quest and may actually take years to figure out....so do not loose heart, we have all been there, so to speak...... So all your feelings are not wierd.

I see you have had to deal with losses in relationships that were close to you....and that adds to these feelings. At any age, a loss of a close friend can seem devestating and you feel lonely and lost for a while....but it is normal....the only thing is in your case your hormones and your age makes the emotion much more powerful and all encompassing....it's ok. This may have been an opportunity for you to reach out to new friends.....try out new experiences......have a new adventure.

For every step in our life...God has a plan and purpose. We may have to blindly trust His plan for us and be of good cheer. Look at this from a positive perspective...."when life hands you lemons, make lemonade". The way you look at problems and how to resolve them is also part of growing up....this can be the best time for you to turn to God for answers.....maybe in prayer. A simple prayer to your Father in heaven....

"Lord help me to trust in your plan for me......mold me and make me a man of God. Hold my hand, do not let me go and help me in every step I take, comfort me as I am feeling lost and sad. Surround me with those who will bring me closer to you day by day.".............Just a simple prayer daily to reassure yourself. It is amazing how the Lord knows your needs better than you and He has promised to take care of all your needs. Whenever you feel depressed, just say this simple prayer in your heart. You will feel better, it may take sometime, no solution in life comes fast and easy. Open the word of God and read it...sometimes it is amazing how the Lord will direct you to verses that are what you need to read to comfort you......Trust in your Lord....just trust and spend sometime in a day medidating in His words. It will bring you a better understanding of God, of life, answers to the path He has prepared for you, faith and trust in His will and a self-confidence only His love can give.

In our life it doesn'y matter who comes and goes. Do not let this determine your worth.....Our Lord thought you were so worthy that He died in the most cruelest way for our sins, shed every last drop of blood in silence for us......what greater love is there!!! When your own creator thinks your life worthy and precious enough to die for you, do not let anyone else, including yourself, try to extinguish it. Do not let Satan work in your mind that way....be strong and confident in the thought that your Lord loves you no matter what.

I know you also miss the presence of your father in your life at this stage in life....it is hard for a young man/woman..... who can gain so much about life from a father, about choices, about right and wrong attitudes, about how to handle  relationships......like a glimpse into what a relationship with a heavenly father is like.....God has plan for your life, maybe it is time to understand it and it can give you a purpose.....

But tell me what was your relationship with God like...in your own words. Who is God to you? Think about it in simple terms......

I do hope I was able to help in some ways.....the journey has only begun, my dear, do not lose heart.....there are still "races to be run, victories to be won" . God will give you the strength you need, so let us stop leaning on our own understandings and commit it into our Lord's hands....Take care and hope to hear from you.

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Reply by : believer.bible   View Profile   Since : 8 Jul 2009 8:46:37 PM Close

Dear cryingfreak,

I'm sorry to hear about this and I feel for you... they are not empty words when I say it because I've had the same suicidal, low esteem thoughts through my early teens. It wa the worst phase of my life and I wouldn't want to live through it again. Because life was so confusing with all the pressures and expectations (I hated school because of it). It just sucks when everyone is great in their studies and have really proud parents when you are the example of what every son should not be (all that mattered was your grades! nothing else). In college, I was trying to be a Christian in the midst of everyone doing whatever they wanted. That was also confusing since that was "uncool". So I dropped down my Christian label so I could be friends with my peers. And guess what, it worked. But it wasn't long... they were only my friends when I was useful to them. The moment I didn't have much to give, I was no one for them. Well, I got a long story like you with my own personal challenges and experiences. But let just tell you one think - no matter who you are, no matter what you have done, no matter what people think about you, you are the most precious person to God. Some of the most sharpest words were from family and church friends. I don't blame them because they were right. But only after I really understood, I mean, reaaaally understand that I am more precious to God no matter what people or myself think about me did I really get a peace that I could never ever find anywhere else. Though I was saved when I was 12 years old, it was during my mid to late teens that the environment was really hostile to me and I was trying to be a Christian for the meetings but a "cool" guy during the weekdays. But there was always this inner voice that was reminding me who I really am. I tried to cut it down but everytime there was a reminder. Eventually I learned the hardway that I can't do things on my own. I just got on my knees and repented and asked for all the mercy I can use.

I'm sorry to hear about your Father. I don't know what a precious loss like that feels like. But I can tell you of someone else who knows exactly what you are going through. Jesus Christ was the most beloved son of God the Father. He was the most precious and righteous son and also person before God. He never did anything wrong or anything that would displease His Father. Yet, God had a plan for people like you and me...that through His Son Jesus Christ, we could also be sons of God the father. God sent Jesus Christ, His beloved son so that he could die and pay the price to make YOU His son or daughter. On the cross, as Jesus Christ was dying and mocked by everyone passing by, He looks to the sky but there is no sign of God even considering what His Son is going through so that people like you and me can be adopted as the sons and daughters of God. Jesus Christ looks to the skies and dark clouds appear instead of any sign of comfort from God (This was the same God who sent an angel to comfort Jesus Christ as he was preparing for this moment hours before). At this sight, he cries "My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me?". At that moment, God was not a Father to His son.... Psalms 22:3 tells us why. Because Jesus Christ carried all our sins on Himself and He was paying the punishment that should have been ours. God loved you more that His own beloved Son while he was dying on that cross. Think about it - you are the most precious person in the world to God if has done such a thing.

Trust me, the most personal relationship I have is with my real Father in heaven. There are many things I can't do with my earthly father or anyone else. Many things I can't talk about. But there is no relationship like the one you can have with your Father in heaven. And who is He? He is God Himself. The same person who knows each and every minute detail about you. I beg you to take this chance and trust in Him. All the cares of this world don't mean a thing when you know that He is the one who controls the world.

Let me cut for now. But here is some truth you don't want to miss out on:

Romans 8:32

32 He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?
33 Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth.
34 Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us.
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
36 As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Trust me, It's the greatest relationship you can ever have.... nothing is going to happen in a giffy. God trained me slowly, through hard times and good times... it's a moulding process. You won't understand many things that God may do with you but He has a great plan for you. I look back and see many things which once upon a time I was wondering "why" and "I can't stand this!" but now I know that those were the best things that could have happened. And who else would know better than God who knows everything before they come to pass?

Remember Jacob of the Bible? it was when he was totally helpless, unable to use his own strengths, running away for his life, away from his parents with a bleak, uncertain future, taking rest alone in the desert using stones as pillows (imagine using a stone as a pillow...some comfort!)  that God appears to him for the first time in his life telling him what he needed to hear "I will not leave thee" (Gen 28)

Love,


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Reply by : Varghese   View Profile   Since : 9 Jul 2009 2:48:40 AM Close

Hello, 

I was much burdened reading your posting and I said a silent prayer for you then!

I do not know who you are nor am I interested in knowing your name. However, one thing I can do is to pray for you. I take your words as sincere and from the heart. It is tough being a young person these days. Lots of peer pressure, temptation etc. Absence of a father is also very hurtful and can add to the dire situation.
 
I assume that you have trusted Christ as your Lord and Savior. Get in touch with strong, mature Christians who can guide & encourage you. Allow Lord Jesus to be the King of your heart. Allow Him to take control of your life. He is faithful and will do it, but you must let Him. Do not let the devil pull you down.
 
Others (as seen above) do care for you. Please pull yourself together with His grace and turn a new leaf.
 
“..Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you” – 1 Peter 5:7
 
God Bless!
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Reply by : samuel.v.j   View Profile   Since : 11 Jul 2009 12:08:45 PM Close

My dear loving young friend,

Many in this forum or any other forums including me have some of  our younger days not very pleasing to be remembered, and you are also passing through some of the days right now. Dont call life hard names , our life is a precious gift from God, It is wonderfully made and God has some purpose for it. You feel guilty because you have known our Savior at some juncture of your life, if you look around there are many who are deprived of thier living rights , there are many who are physically disabled, many who doesnt have a time meal, many who dont have a shelter above thier head, our God is gracious and loving , he cares for us, thats why to bear our sins , our Savior Lord Jesus Christ was sent to this world to be a live sacrifice for mine and yours sins.

As you are born and brought up in a Christian family , you might have heard the Parable of the Lost son. Me and you at a juncture of our life have taken decisions which has pained our heavenly father, we rebelled against almighty God and took haste decisions , which we feel at another juncture of life that what we have done is wrong , towards myself, my family and My God, Our God is a loving God, if we repent our sins and accept that I am a sinner , and for my sin my Lord Savior Jesus Christ has become a sacrifice , I become a new person, my sins are forgiven, and If we are already have accepted Lord as pur our personal Saviorand due to certain circumstances , we have done sin, it is the right time , we repent our sins and reconcile with God, sure he will forgive our sins.

Luke 15

13"Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

 17"When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' 20So he got up and went to his father.
      "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

 21"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.[b]'

While we live in this world there are times when we might wander away into the glitters of the world, but the word of God says repent and reconcile with God, and our loving God will surely forgive all our sins, We all have to go from this world one or other day, the sooner the better, bilogically we all  have to die, but spiritually there is an eternal life , never ever spoil our eternal life and dont ever try to cut off the precious life given by God.

 Your friend

 Sam.

 

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Reply by : cryingfreak   View Profile   Since : 28 Jul 2009 9:22:31 AM Close

Hello. Thank you so much for replying. I'm really grateful. We don't know each other yet all of you showed their care. Sorry again for not replying for quite some time.

Well anyway, nothing changed. I'm still that guy who had given up his faith in God. A small part of me really wanted to go back. But I don't want to go back to God just for me to get all his blessings. I don't want that kind of relationship with him at all. I don't want want to give Him nothing. Co'z everytime I try to go back to Him a part of myself always whispers to me that I always go back to Him just so I can get all His blessings...It made me so confused. It's like I have another personality. I'm really sorry for talking nonsense but this is really what I feel. I always have my doubts about my faith in him.

Last week, something terrible happened. My cousin who is also a christian was possessed by a demon. This is the first time ever in our family to be possessed. I used to see people being possessed as I grow up co'z as I stated earlier, my grandpa was a pastor. Anyway back again to my cousin. She did some terrible and frightening things while she was possessed. She always tried to go outside the house, tried to remove her clothes and even tried to kill my aunt (her mother).She also says different kinds of things like "I'm an anti  Christ now hahaha" It really scares me...a lot. But thank goodness she was freed. It's because of the prayers of my family and the people in our church.

 

I don't understand though, she was the type of Christian who enjoys being a christian. She serves God faithfully. Why did that happened to her? Sorry again for questioning.

 

Anyway sorry again for my story telling.

Sorry again for this but I really wanted to tell more. When my cousin was possessed, my mother told me to pray for her. But I cannot. I don't know why but it's hard for me to talk to Him. I think it's because of the awful and terrible things I've done. In the end...I did not pray for her. I don't know what to feel. And recently when I got a high grade in a certain subject...I just felt odd because I did not pray for it. I'm not saying that I'm proud that I did all that by my own power...I don't. I actually feel the exact opposite. It's not the same feeling that you get that thing you prayed for and felt really happy. It doesn't have an impact to me. Is it because of how I grow up? Back then I was really a prayerful person. I pray a lot and thank God a lot. I just can't believe how I changed. And I'm certainly not happy about it. I hope you guys know what I mean...

 

I'm not enjoying this life. Not one bit. This kind of thought/thigs always sinks in to my mind.I'm always asking my self how did this happened to me. Why am I like this!!!??? Why am I in this kind of situation?! Hating, cursing, loathing myself and the people around me. This is not God's plan for me...right?

 

I'm really sorry for troubling you guys. But I'm really really glad you tried to help me out...I'm really am. You have no idea how happy I am you guys showed your care for a miserable guy like me. I never really opened up with anyone like this. Though not totally and not to mention I don't know you guys and we all communicate through the web...it still gave me some sort of relief. I will try to change everything little by little...

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Reply by : George P. Koshy   View Profile   Since : 28 Jul 2009 11:52:19 AM Close

Dear 'cryingfreak,'

From the Scripture we learn that the demons will not posses a child of God, because He that is within a child of God is greater than the demon, who is without.

Your problem is the misunderstanding of being a child of God, while you are not.  You must be born again or born from above.  Please read John 1:1-14 and chapter 3, especially.  This should be done prayerfully, asking God's help and not your help or any man's help.

Shalom Malekim!!!

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Reply by : sambudhanoor   View Profile   Since : 2 Aug 2009 6:46:40 AM Close

Dear cryingfreak

 

We do not know exactly what spiritual and mental condition you have, if you can, I prayerfully recommend to you to contact the following counselling centre, they will help you and give you spiritual and mental counselling.

 

Agape Mental Health & Research Instituite, Pathanamthitta, Estd in: 1992

Address: PO Box 79, Pathanamthitta 689 645,
Contact: John Jacob

 

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Reply by : bt73   View Profile   Since : 16 Sep 2009 5:45:37 AM Close

Dear cf,

Sorry to hear the trouble that you have to go through emotionally. Something I can empathise and sympathise with. Sometimes the peripheral questions of life may not have a convinving answer. That is why God moves from the peripheral to the heart (the inner chamber) and is willing to give you the joy and peace that passeth all understanding.

What you and I need to do is respond to it, first by being born again, 2nd by always seeking God's grace to overcome the situation. I was reminded of 2 passages from the scriptures

The first passage is the story of Jesus talking to the woman at the well in John 4. Jesus told the woman whose heart was empty and void and she chose to fill it up with men, but it still left her empty. Knowing that Jesus told her " If you drink the water that I give you, you will never thirst again". What Jesus was saying is if you come to me everyday of your life, you will find that the water I give is always "NEW" and its "LIVING" and will also give you a peaceful life. Only the Lord is able to provide that life.

The second passage is where Paul struggles with some unmentioned issue (which I dont want to speculate). Paul says, "A messenger of Satan was there to buffet me" (1 cor 10). It apparanetly seemed unbearable for Paul that he requested the Lord to remove it. But the Lord said "My grace is sufficient for you....". In other words, it gave Paul the opening to go to the Lord's presence always and seek HIS GRACE to overcome or handle the crisis that he was going through.

I think the true answer to your crisis is to ask the Lord for that living water and seek His Grace on a daily basis.

Hope my humble thoughts are an encouragement to you.

 

 

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Reply by : cryingfreak   View Profile   Since : 11 Nov 2009 1:54:16 PM Close

I'm back...and I'm getting worse. HEck, this is the worst situation (or whatever you call it) I'd face. I completeley lost hope. I just don't feel anything anymore. I think I'm sufferring to what they call "Misanthropy". I hate my family, our church and everyone in it. I don't know why but I do. They are all the same. Different at first but still the same in the end. I don't trust anyone anymore. I know everyone I know will leave or betray me in the end. So I'll isolate myself even more. I'm so hopeless. Yet it didn't matter to me anymore. I think this is the feeling when one accepts his doomed fate. So it's true that there will always be a black sheep in the family. That's me alright. I'm not proud about it...I don't care about it anymore. I know what my family think of me...but whatever. Its not like I want them around or care about them.

I really hate this world. Everyone in it. Everything. I guess there really are people who are not meant to be a servant of God. Tch. As of now I don't think I see any hope for me. Heck, I wont bother searching for it. I just realized it just know that when I was born I was always a failure...a very few friends...heck just a sight of me annoys someone. I'm so pathetic. But I'm not crying about it anymore. I'm done crying. I'm not going to cry about my pathetic life anymore

 

Sorry if I offended or this looks like quite offensive to you guys or to some people. I just want to...well you get it. Thanks anyway for trying to help me. But I'm already doomed to suffer for the rest of my life and so on. Bye!

 

 

 

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Reply by : kumbanadan   View Profile   Since : 12 Nov 2009 7:58:35 AM Close

Dear cf,

I just read your story today.
My heart is with you.
I have no advise other than what others above said.
But surely I will pray for You, God will give you the peace>
I assure my daily prayer for you, right from now

God Bless YOU

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