I'm sorry to hear about this and I feel for you... they are not empty words when I say it because I've had the same suicidal, low esteem thoughts through my early teens. It wa the worst phase of my life and I wouldn't want to live through it again. Because life was so confusing with all the pressures and expectations (I hated school because of it). It just sucks when everyone is great in their studies and have really proud parents when you are the example of what every son should not be (all that mattered was your grades! nothing else). In college, I was trying to be a Christian in the midst of everyone doing whatever they wanted. That was also confusing since that was "uncool". So I dropped down my Christian label so I could be friends with my peers. And guess what, it worked. But it wasn't long... they were only my friends when I was useful to them. The moment I didn't have much to give, I was no one for them. Well, I got a long story like you with my own personal challenges and experiences. But let just tell you one think - no matter who you are, no matter what you have done, no matter what people think about you, you are the most precious person to God. Some of the most sharpest words were from family and church friends. I don't blame them because they were right. But only after I really understood, I mean, reaaaally understand that I am more precious to God no matter what people or myself think about me did I really get a peace that I could never ever find anywhere else. Though I was saved when I was 12 years old, it was during my mid to late teens that the environment was really hostile to me and I was trying to be a Christian for the meetings but a "cool" guy during the weekdays. But there was always this inner voice that was reminding me who I really am. I tried to cut it down but everytime there was a reminder. Eventually I learned the hardway that I can't do things on my own. I just got on my knees and repented and asked for all the mercy I can use.
I'm sorry to hear about your Father. I don't know what a precious loss like that feels like. But I can tell you of someone else who knows exactly what you are going through. Jesus Christ was the most beloved son of God the Father. He was the most precious and righteous son and also person before God. He never did anything wrong or anything that would displease His Father. Yet, God had a plan for people like you and me...that through His Son Jesus Christ, we could also be sons of God the father. God sent Jesus Christ, His beloved son so that he could die and pay the price to make YOU His son or daughter. On the cross, as Jesus Christ was dying and mocked by everyone passing by, He looks to the sky but there is no sign of God even considering what His Son is going through so that people like you and me can be adopted as the sons and daughters of God. Jesus Christ looks to the skies and dark clouds appear instead of any sign of comfort from God (This was the same God who sent an angel to comfort Jesus Christ as he was preparing for this moment hours before). At this sight, he cries "My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me?". At that moment, God was not a Father to His son.... Psalms 22:3 tells us why. Because Jesus Christ carried all our sins on Himself and He was paying the punishment that should have been ours. God loved you more that His own beloved Son while he was dying on that cross. Think about it - you are the most precious person in the world to God if has done such a thing.
Trust me, the most personal relationship I have is with my real Father in heaven. There are many things I can't do with my earthly father or anyone else. Many things I can't talk about. But there is no relationship like the one you can have with your Father in heaven. And who is He? He is God Himself. The same person who knows each and every minute detail about you. I beg you to take this chance and trust in Him. All the cares of this world don't mean a thing when you know that He is the one who controls the world.
Let me cut for now. But here is some truth you don't want to miss out on:
32 He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?
33 Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth.
34 Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us.
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
36 As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Trust me, It's the greatest relationship you can ever have.... nothing is going to happen in a giffy. God trained me slowly, through hard times and good times... it's a moulding process. You won't understand many things that God may do with you but He has a great plan for you. I look back and see many things which once upon a time I was wondering "why" and "I can't stand this!" but now I know that those were the best things that could have happened. And who else would know better than God who knows everything before they come to pass?
Remember Jacob of the Bible? it was when he was totally helpless, unable to use his own strengths, running away for his life, away from his parents with a bleak, uncertain future, taking rest alone in the desert using stones as pillows (imagine using a stone as a pillow...some comfort!) that God appears to him for the first time in his life telling him what he needed to hear "I will not leave thee" (Gen 28)